I haven't written in awhile.  Not because there hasn't been things to say, it seems I always have things to say, but because my computer is officially fried and there is no way to do this from my phone.  So, I keep a notebook by my bed.  Actually, there are several by my bed, but this particular one, is for writing down "blog" thoughts that roll through my brain.  Generally they go through at four in the morning and wake me up.  I roll over, scrawl something that I pray I will be able to read later and go back to sleep.  Thoughts have no discernment between day and night.  Yet, seeing as how I am on a borrowed computer at the moment and the notebook is still at home, by my bed, I will have to borrow some of the thoughts, that are free floating through my head right now.  That is fine, because like my thoughts at four in the morning, there are plenty of them. 

Tonight my oldest child is going to prom.  When did he grow up and who told him this was okay?  I don't remember signing off on this venture.  I still remember chubby hands with dandelions, dirt streaked on his face and sweat on his brow.  I remember him hiding not so quietly behind the laundry room door and him jumping out and saying "Boo Momma" and me pretending to be terrified and him laughing hysterically at my reaction.  All memories that would make him groan I am sure, but ones that are sweeter with time for me.  Wasn't it just yesterday that I was running around trying to get ready for my prom?  Trying to figure out how to stuff that hoop skirt into the car and not realizing until after it was on, that going to the bathroom was not an option?  Wasn't it just yesterday that my friends and I were lying in the grass talking about our futures, what we would do, where we would go, and how we would change the world?  Now 24 years have passed and it's his turn.  I am excited for him, thrilled even, but I am a little sad too.  With each passing moment, they are getting older and so am I and life is changing.  Not that it's not a good thing, but sometimes change can hurt your heart and leave you aching because of it.

It's funny to me as I look back over the last 24 years.  Oh the lessons I have learned and things that I have done.  Some wonderful, like the four maniacs that run through my house on a daily basis.  Some not so wonderful and that's okay.  Each bad choice, each failure, each mistake is a lesson learned and I am better somehow for it.  I am not the person I was then and that is a blessing and yet I wouldn't trade the journey for anything.  I learned the type of person I want to be and the type I don't.  I learned people to emmulate and people not to and I have just learned a lot about people.  How they think, what they do and even though there are still some people who just confuse me, for the most part, the learning has been worth it.

God is good.  I am learning that most of all.  Life is hard, sometimes brutal but we survive.  Not because we are superhuman or so great, but because God is good.  He fills us with his strength, he enables us to get up, brush ourselves off and continue forward until it no longer hurts and he carries us when we can't.  If over the last 24 years, I hadn't learned anything else but that, it would have been all I needed.  It's not an easy lesson to learn or to consume but it's one that everyone should have. 

Roses will wilt and suits will grow to small but this memory will last a lifetime for him.  It's one of many he is going to make and I am so blessed to get to see him on this journey.  There isn't a memory I could bring to mind that for me, is better than the blessing of that.

Finally got my new keyboard, so I can write on my blog.  Couldn't do it from my phone and I have had moments this week, where I wanted to.  Those moments where thoughts go through my head and I know they are blog entries.  So, since I couldn't do it when I wanted too, I'll do it all in one.  Hence the title, this and that.

Winter is starting to leave my little part of the world.  The thermometer outside is inching upwards and not dipping so low, even at night.  The tulips that I planted, on that cold day last fall are starting to burst forth.  I made some mistakes in planting them, which I have taken mental notes from and will do them differently this fall, when I try it again but I am still pleased that some of them are growing.  It was the first time I ever planted bulbs of any sort and so it was a learning experience for me.  We try things and we learn as we grow.  Life is no different.

I believe that for as long as we are alive, we are learning.  Unless we shut our hearts down completely, we are growing and experiencing things and sometimes we triumph and other times we fail, either way we learn.  If we don't get it right the first time, that's okay, because there is always tomorrow to try it again.  I am beginning to understand that the end result isn't always as important as the trying and like a friend once told me "there aren't to many things that you do, that can't be undone."  Lesson being, don't be afraid to try.

I believe that the winter freeze is starting to leave my heart as well.  It's been a long two almost three years.  We have been on a journey and it has tried every part of me.  My faith has been tested and tried, I have been battered and blown around but because of God's strength, I have survived.  No, I have done more than survive, I have grown, I have gotten wiser and I have discovered pieces of myself I never knew existed.  It's a good thing.  We have spent the last three years in a lot of prayer.  Asking God for direction and guidance.  As I read about Moses, Noah, Joseph and others, I know that the journey isn't always fast.  I was hoping when we started praying three years ago, it wouldn't take so long, but I know that the waiting is producing fruit.  Yet, in the words of a song that is running through my head "the waiting is the hardest part."

I believe that we have finally come to a cross roads, that will answer a lot of questions.  We remain in prayer and we continue to wait but I think that when this time is done, we will know more.  At least that's my hope.  I trust in the fact that God knows what's best in all circumstances and that he will lead us when the time is right, I just am hoping to SEE more soon.

I have started writing again after a small hiatus.  Truthfully, after the first book, I didn't know if I was going to do it again.  I was proud of it, then I wasn't, now I am again.  Like my bulbs this past fall, I made some mistakes with the book.  Things that had I taken a little more time, had a different set of eyes or just done it differently, wouldn't have been there, but I have learned from those mistakes, I will take a different approach to the second one, have more than one set of eyes survey it and hopefully, avoid the pitfalls from the first one.  I was discouraged for awhile after the first one.  Not because of the sales.  Those were actually better than I had expected.  I just felt I hadn't done what I set out to do.  Anyone that knows me well will tell you that I am my own worst enemy and harder on myself than anyone else could be.  I second guessed it to a point where I wore myself out and almost to a point where I wasn't going to do it again.  Yet, after time, I got over myself, learned from my mistakes and I am back to writing.

This next book is more personal.  It has taken me on a familiar but not so inviting journey.  I have had to revisit ghosts from the past, that I swore I never would again and I have come face to face with some dark spots in my life that have been hard.  Yet, once the door was kicked open and some light shined in, I have noticed that they have been less difficult to face.  It's amazing how God does that.  I didn't want to take this journey, but I am glad that I am.  If it draws me closer to God and frees me from the burdens of the past, I am all for going there.

Maybe a little more freedom is what we all need.  Life shouldn't be about being tied to the past.  There will always be good things that we want to keep around, but we need to learn to cut the cords to the bad and if walking through my own, helps someone do the same, then the journey will be more than worth it.

"All of these lines upon my face, tell you the story of who I am. So many stories of where I've been and how they've brought me to where I am." 

This line is from a song by Belinda Carlile and as I listened to it, I was reminded of my life.  I have always said life should have a soundtrack, this song would be in the running for mine.

As I look in the mirror, I see looking back a person that is getting older.  No longer the little girl with wild hair and dirt streaked on her face.  No longer the insecure teen-ager, afraid of not fitting in and no longer the young woman, who wasn't sure from day to day if she knew where life would take her and if she would have the strength to see it through.

Looking back at me now is a middle aged woman.  Lines on my face and hands that aren't as young looking as they once were.  I am now someone's wife and a mom.  The greatest blessings I have been given.  Yet, when I used to look at the lines and wrinkles that have emerged, I used to cringe.  These were not there twenty years ago, where did they come from?  But tonight I realized, that these lines and wrinkles and the hands that show my age now tell a story and it's one that I am proud of.

If you see the lines, you are seeing years of laughter and joy.  Not polite chuckles, but belly laughs that make your sides hurt and shake you til you can barely breath.  Those bouts of laughter with family and friends, that make you feel rejuvenated and whole again and tells you that the world around you is still good.  No, my face is not as smooth as it was when I was twenty, but I wouldn't want that face back, if it meant giving up the love and joy that has come with it.

If you see my hands, you will be seeing all the babies I have held and rocked and loved.  Tears I have wiped away, boo boo's I have mended and feverish foreheads I have brushed through those long endless nights.  You will see hello waves and good bye's too, hugs given and received and the portals to which love has come into my life.  Yes, they aren't as young as they were, but I wouldn't trade where they've been for anything.

If you could see my heart, you'd see wounds of love.  Where there once were scars and open wounds, God has filled with grace and mercy and love.  Only His love could heal those places and he has done so in a way that has left me knowing that I have been protected and cared for.  The road hasn't always been easy, but it's not one that I would change.  Change one piece of it and you change my life and I would not be willing to give that up for anything.

We change as we grow.  We learn more things, we become wiser and we understand things we didn't before.  It's a gift and it's a blessing, even when it's hard.  Life is not always what we want it to be.  Sometimes dreams are left unfufilled or our course changes.  It happens to everyone.  Yet, where we end up, is where God meant for us to be and that is better than any dream we could have chased on our own.  There are infusions of love and compassion, kindness and gentleness, laughter and goodness in my life, that I may have never known if I'd have traveled any other path.  I have been given so much, my cup runs over and over again and I am humbled by the gift.

My tapestry is vibrant in color and rich in texture and I know as I look upon it, that there is a God who loves me.  He has woven and masterfully designed me and while I have made mistakes and at times fallen, I know that his love has healed me and made me who I am today.  This story is far from over and yet I am grateful for the pages so far.  It's a story I never could have dreamed up on my own and it's one that I can't wait to see where it goes from here.